CRAZY POEMS

GRAND FINALE

2007-04-22T02:34:00.000+02:00

A Bus? A truck?

No… too much pain

Would smash me silly

But I’d be slain

A bus would make me a mangled corpse

The driver might be tried in court

Middle of road and get run over

Mercedez Benz or a big Land Rover

It would be great

It would be over

A rope?

Maybe… but not reliable

It easily breaks, and is not viable

It will seem like an execution

A crime or sin in restitution

It would require a closed coffin

Cuz hanging victims are blue often

A razor?

Nice… but too messy

Blood everywhere… red and glossy

A blade, scissors, a big sharp knife

Give me something

Take my life

Some pills?

Depends what I can get

Cuz I don’t wanna have regrets

By taking something that won’t work

I get sick, my tummy will hurt

The window?

Cool… but too romantic

Reminds people that love is Symantec

But falling down would be tragic

And if from high, will work like magic

What about a chamber of gas?

Inhale it in

Exhale my past

Or I could electrocute myself

It is efficient, but hurts as hell

Or maybe I could drink some poison

Fall down the stairs, grab for the curtain

My personal favorite is to burn

Set me ablaze Cuz I have earned

My right to choose the way I end

Choose to rebel or repent

I want to go out in flames

Consumed by fire, orange rain

And it would make to me familiar

My final reign with the superior

No buried body, coffin, or grave

No funeral or grieving at a wake

Don’t trap me again in my own death

Just set me free and spread my ashes

Been caged so long in lonely thrashes

Just spread what of me remained

A medium through which woe and pain

Trickled through to my soul’s domain

Let me fly, let me soar

Let me cross that final door.

ISIS

Tortured By Narcissism

2007-04-21T04:56:00.000+02:00

I hate how I’m so attached

I hate the way I feel

I hate how you’re so relaxed

I hate my being so weak

I hate how you’re always going through my mind

And how you’re always in my dreams, almost every night

I hate how much I want you to be there in my life

And how the smallest thought of you makes me feel alive

I wish I could completely, not partially, forget you

Delete everything about you from my clingy memory

I wish I never met or even came near you

Because all you do is fill me with misery

I tried to so hard not to feel this way

Not to have these feelings for you

I fight myself night and day

To keep all this from you

I try so hard to resist your pull

To simply drift away

With your effect my mind is full

Your grip is here to stay

Of wanting you I’m sick and tired

Because it really hurts

Wanting you is grimly dire

My cries will not be heard

I do not want to let you know

Cuz you will think I’m weak

I only am quite fragile

I'm sure you can see!

We both push each other’s buttons

We get on each other’s nerves

We keep tormenting one another

And you believe that’s how I flirt

I know you know deep inside

All the things I feel

But cuz you’re arrogant and full of pride

To you I’ll NEVER kneel

You want a girl who’s so confined

To “massage your god-like fixation”

To worship you and self deny

And drown you in veneration

You need someone to adulate

And put you on a throne

On anything, congratulate

Campaign to get you cloned

There’s absolutely no way in hell

That this chick will be me

I’m quite like you, and you can tell

That’s why you’re always mean

I know for sure you’d rather die

Than tell me how you feel

We may actually be alike

More than we both know

But being alike will only make

Hostility amidst us grow

I hate the way you love yourself

Cuz it leaves no free zone

For the love of anyone else

To reach your heart or soul

I hate the way I still have hope

That someday things might change

I hate the way I don’t give up

I hate the way I care

ISIS

MY OBSESSION

2007-03-29T21:57:00.000+02:00

The subject of my obsession doesn’t have a clue
He’s probably somewhere now, not knowing what I’m going through
Every breath that comes in me carries his scent
Every breath coming out has him in it too

Simple flashbacks of us together,
Send a burning rush through me
Cuz every memory is burnt forever
Simple flashbacks make my body
Peak in pain, peak in pleasure
Making my entire body
Scream and ache with longing passion
I’m damned for life by lure
I’m cursed by your temptation
I twist and turn through lonely nights
Tormented soul, tortured inside
You’re sitting now not knowing that
Not knowing something that is true
That right now I am cursed
With the desire of you

The interesting thing about all this is that you don’t have a clue
You are mine inside my head
But outside, you are you
Inside my head I do what I want, you’re mine without a choice
I like it better inside my mind because there is no noise
Outside my head you’re on your own
You speak with your own voice
Inside my head you are tied down, cuz I won’t let you go
I play my sick obsession games on you and you don’t even know
When I see your name on my phone I watch in utter awe
I don’t answer your stupid call because my tongue will roll
I won’t be able to say a thing, my voice will then have froze
I dial your number an hour later
I tell you I was busy
You think you’re not all that to me, I think that you are bitter

If I let you in on this will you know how to handle?
Deal with a mad obsession? Deal with all the baggage?
You will not satisfy my thirst, no man can ever do
Except when you’re in my head you can
You do, I know you do

I’d rather keep this to myself, as you are not mature
You won't fullfil my hungry heart
And you will break for sure
I wish your mind was open more
To another type of love
Where you’d find out and you’d explore
A love where you are locked

I know that you are missing lots
but in my mind, You're mine
I’m free to do all I want
If you knew, you'd react
And even if you wanted to

I wíll not stay and try

I'm happily crazy about you

Satisfied alone

If you entered the picture

I won't be on my own

(I'm happy this way. If I counted the times you're on my mind each day, there won't be enough ink in the world to write down the number, If I pinch my self everytime I think of you - which by the way I tried - there will be no part of my body not bruised, I am not able to get you out of my head, I am cursed by the desire of you. Please don't ruin it for me)

SKIN

2007-03-18T22:22:00.000+02:00

SKIN

Everything has skin
Everything has cover

We feel with our skin
And touch with our skin
Skin also veils us
And protects us within

Everyone has skin
And everyone’s skin’s different
Varies in texture, in tone
From outside and in

There’re people whose skin is thick
And people whose skin is slick
And skin that is see-through
And those with shy skin

Skin too has color
It can be red, it can be blue
All skin can bleed
And all skin can cure

If you look a man right in the skin
It’s either light or dark
You’ll only see his scars and his veins
But you won’t see his heart

Goosebumps, tingles, shivers, and chills
A boiling cup of tea spilled
A feather, a quilt
The touch, the guilt
A slap, a belt
Sensing pain
Dry skin, wet skin
The wind, the rain
The punch, the hit
All skin can bruise
And all skin can mend

Skin can be smooth and clear and soft
And inside screams to be loved
Skin can be marked, wounded, or mangled
How much pleasure can skin handle?
A kiss, a pat, a shove, a shake?
What skin may like can be sin
They may be joyful, they may be scared
They may have sorrow under their skin
Can agony, grief, and love be shared?
Can torture come from within?

Skin can be scarred
It may have been
They may have woe
Under their skin
All skin can be scarred
And sown and stitched
Skin can be hard
And can resist

- ISIS

Chasers War On Everything - Americans

2007-02-11T09:06:00.001+02:00

(VIDEO WAS EMAILED TO ME - NO COMMENT)

Nothing is changing or maybe changing to the worse. Still I wonder why do I feel so negative? Why is it that I feel I don’t care? Is it because mere caring will not change anything and will only get me worried, frustrated, and disappointed? Or am I giving up? Giving up on myself and giving up on caring? It’s not like I was doing a lot to begin with. I only cared… I only gave a crap… and expressed it. I was writing to ventilate my own reaction to things taking place in and around my life. I feel I was desenthatized. Sometimes, every body gets like that. I’m getting this eerie feeling of hopelessness and indifferent. Is it maybe my personal life? One of my friends says she has more important things to think about whenever an issue with any impact is brought into discussion in her presence. She truly could not care less… and she admits it blatantly. However, sometimes what happens in someone’s personal life feels more momentous than what happens outside it. I just completed my 9th month of being off drugs and things are getting weird. I mean I can’t believe that I did spend 9 consecutive months without relapsing. I never even in my wildest dreams ever imagine that there will come a day when I will be actually off drugs. So the big question is here really… “Am I really gonna spend the entire remainder of my days sober and will never get high ever ever again??” That really overwhelms the crap out of me. But I guess if I just take it one day at a time like I’ve done so far I can manage. Because now I’m just trying to find myself… or rather explore the new me… and I’m bound to make mistakes. I did try to replace my addiction. Replace it with activities or with people… and I did run into a couple of worthless people, and that taught me something – a person doesn’t need to have ever taken drugs to be a complete waste of skin by God…BUT ANYWAY… I had an ‘interesting’ winter break and now I’m back in school (like umm university). I’m taking a combination of extremely difficult courses this semester, including a 500 level (Masters level) course. I will make my best effort to write at least a post every week so people won’t think I’m dead. Sorry to bore you with my boring life details and emotional outburst, but where else can I be heard, right?

THE LIE

2006-12-11T00:49:00.000+02:00

THE LIE

One day I told a lie
Its color was clear and white
This lie twisted around me
I became bound and tied

A small word of deception
Kept growing and maturing
Developing to lure me
Difficult to get out

Confused in solitary
Desperate and Alone
The lie was sanctuary
I kept going on

The lie became everything
All things in my life
To a point where I couldn’t
Tell what’s wrong or right

The lie I once told
Is now part of me and I don’t know what’s real
Cuz it’s several years old
I don’t know if it happened
Or whether the lie has grown

I once told a lie
At the time it didn’t seem much
At the time I was younger
And didn’t know or judge
I didn’t have a choice
I didn’t have much
I know I told a lie that didn’t seem much
I know I made a mistake
I kept it all inside
Till I couldn’t breathe anymore
I hid it and buried it
Deep within my soul
I only told a lie
And now it lives inside me
It feeds on my emotions
And eliminates my happiness
Tears up my heart inside
I feel sorry sometimes
Sorry for my self
I feel guilty too
I can never rest
The lie grew and grew
Until the things I do
Came back to take revenge
Revenge by me for me
By me because I lied
For me because I hid
I hid from the truth
I was only a kid
The truth that it happened
The truth and what it did
Now I’m only trapped
Chained to an evil lie
About the truth that lives
I wish the truth was dead
I wish the lie was true
I wish it never happened
To me when I was a kid

ISIS - THE KID

SO EASY

2006-12-01T04:39:00.000+02:00

It’s so easy
To fall in love with you
Its so easy
To let you hold me through
The night
Without you by my side
There’s no meaning for life
I want you here with me
For all eternity
I want you by my side
To the end of life

ISIS - THE CORNY

NARCOTIC THRUST - SAFE FROM HARM

2006-12-01T04:25:00.001+02:00

“I see my reflection
I don’t like what I see
I’m loosing my way
I need someone to find me
And do me right
And keep me safe from harm
…
I need protection… to find me a way
And somebody to hold me… so I see the day
Into the night and keep me safe from harm”

WORDS SO BEAUTIFUL, PURE, HONEST...

ISIS

NOT FEELING

2006-11-28T04:24:00.000+02:00

(I wrote this one this morning... It's about something really silly)

I feel I can’t feel
I can’t feel anything
I feel it’s not real
So is everything

Appalled at what I’m doing
And yet I continue
Scared and terrified
Of reaching a venue

It’s like stabbing someone
To make sure they’re there
It’s like loving no one
When love is in the air

Are they naïve and raw?
I’m I sophisticated?
So none of them saw?
Am I incarcerated?

I feel their stupid sorrow
And it makes me feel alive
What takes place tomorrow
Is no concern of mine

Numb and indifferent
Is how I feel today
I’m scared that persisting
Will wound my soul some day

Revenge is my desire
Vengeance is my goal
To put out the fire
Eating away my soul

I know they never hurt me
I know it’s not their fault
I can’t help but be me
Therefore, they must revolt

Revolt against my ways
Rise up to me and yell
Don’t do us in this way
We hope you burn in hell!!

I’m not an evil person
I just enjoy a good show
They like to entertain me
And then pack and go home

I think I’m in denial
I don’t want to admit
I’m compensating for something
That’s buried in my Id

OH GOD PLEASE IF YOU’RE THERE
Make it all just stop
I can’t do this anymore
Please take down the props

ISIS - The Silly

ROAD

2006-11-28T02:04:00.000+02:00

I’ve been walking on this road
Straight ahead, across, abroad
I’ve been walking for so long
But to continue, right or wrong

I’ve been walking on a road
I don’t know where it’s taking me
On my back a heavy load
I never noticed how heavy

I see my goal so far away
A beautiful mirage that just won’t stay
But the truth is I don’t know to go on or stop
Someday, I might find a way…and someday, I might drop.

ISIS

I HOPE...

2006-11-28T01:55:00.000+02:00

(I just found these poems I wrote when I was a teenager, I wrote this one when I was 16, depressed, and apparently suicidal as well... but aren't all 16 year olds??)

How much I hope to stay
To live, to love, to graduate
How many will ever mourn for me
One, two, not more than three
Staying here brings pain
Rejection, agony, a dirty stain
My tears are not what they used to be
Precious diamonds are now so cheap
My being, alone, is a gruesome wreath
It needs an end, a premenant rest
How much I want to be within
A ‘redwood box’ with my life, my sin
The only offensive act I’ve done
Is that I’m here, I’m still not gone
Not so many springs have passed
So many taints have shamed my past
My old people don’t understand
That punishment won’t make me stand
The very few that stood by me
Are now exhausted of counseling me
The very few whom I have treasured
Are now ashamed of what I’ve developed
My life is but a memory box
Mixed memories, a paradox
Everything seems wrong to me
And everything I’ve done will be
A mark, a scar, just inside of me
All the things that I’ve lost through out this life
Will never ever come back to me
I made mistakes, so many mistakes
And when I have another chance that I Take
The same mistake
Why do people always judge by the cover
Why does life have to make me suffer
I wish, I hope I can still go on
To say the truth I won’t hold on strong

I’ll let go

I’ll take this one sole chance
To rest, relax, let everyone dance

To everybody I’ve ever met:
I’m sorry, guilty, full of regret
The time is here for me to fly
The time is here to say
Buh-Bye!

ISIS - At Bittersweet Sixteen

SAD

2006-11-28T01:48:00.000+02:00

(I wrote this one when I was 15 and suicidal... typical adolescent??)

I am a person
One that’s very sad
I forge my temporary happiness
But inside I am sad as death
I want to breakdown
I want to so bad
But whenever I try to
Something holds me back
Is death an answer?
Or is it only momentary
Maybe the second I die
I discover it’s not satisfactory
I want to hurt myself
To see if it will hurt
To see if I matter
Will I ever be heard?
I am misunderstood
And maybe even despised
By the people I love most
What if I died?
How many will feel a difference
How many will grief
I think maybe a couple
But never more than three
I am a very sad person
It violates my rights
I show off my pride
No one knows how sad
How broken my heart is
No one knows how mad
At life this girl is
This happy laughing girl
Who makes people smile
Who has a lot of pain
Over her sad little life
This girl is very deep
Deepest than hell’s darkest holes
She’s filled with heartache
And mind-ache and woe
She feels her soul declining
Way down to her ankles
She feels her only love
To her music and her canvas
She wants to let it out
Let the whole world know
That this little girl
Is not the one they know
The one she really is
Is bitter, hard, and bold
Lonely, sad, and cruel
And, fast, she’s getting old
Her heart is getting weak
Her soul is wearing out
Her mind has too much on it
She just wants to break down
And break down she wants
To rest her little brain
To rest her little heart
She can’t be alone
Without crying tears
Even in bathroom stalls
She sheds salty seas
She finds it hard to love
It's hard for her to emote
Her puny little heart
Will not let her grow
She wants to go back
Way back in time
When she was a baby girl
And all it takes is a smile
To capture hearts and hearts
Of those within a mile
But now she has to lie
She can’t show them her true self
She has to fake and falsify
Play games, and play around
But she can never say why

ISIS - The Adolescent

MOMENTS OF TRUTH

2006-11-28T01:33:00.000+02:00

When you see the real thing
When you realize you were wrong
When you figure everything out
When you know you’ll be gone
When the light comes on
Then you start to see reality
When you start to see the facts
And come back to sobriety
When you think of what you’ve done
And you realize it was your fault
When you wake up in the morning
And in your head there’s something wrong
And it tells you not to do it
Or it tells you to go for it
When a friend tells a story
And you're not supposed to know it
When this friend has fucked your spouse
On your bed, floor, and house
When your Mom says you’ve grown
You’ve grown to make her proud
She then starts to thank you
She finally knows what you’re about
You think about your day
Before you sleep at night
You think about your year
You think about your life
When you realize that you love
Or when you realize that you hate
When you come out of the closet
When you get your feelings straight
When you get what was wrong
What you did to deserve all this
What the real mistake was
That would give you lots of bliss

ISIS

I DON'T KNOW

2006-11-27T03:21:00.000+02:00

I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know why I’m doing it
It feels good while doing
And feels weird after doing it.

I don’t know where it will take me
Or where it might leave me
Or what it would do
If something happens to me

I don’t want to name it
Or put on it a label
I tell my friends its normal,
I tell my friends its stable

But it is really crazy
And sometimes it is hazy
And other times it is painful
And at times it gets lazy

But any which way it is
I know I can’t resist
Like that and/or like this
It always will persist
I don’t know what this is

I know one thing or two
I always will be true
To whatever the hell I do
And to that which is due
I did, I will, I do

This really is amazing
And I don’t know its nature
I don’t know what I’m doing
I love a single feature

I know there could be trouble
And there could be a mess
But this one I won’t shuffle
Cuz right now, more is less

Few will understand
Few will appreciate
Why I took this stand
Or how much this is great.

I don’t know what this is
I don’t know where its going
I have no idea
The direction of its flowing

I don’t know what to say
And sometimes how to act
I don’t know which way
What’s fake and what is fact

I feel I am confused
I feel I’m realizing
And now I feel bemused
And then I feel like rising

What a wonderful feeling
When you feel like something staggering
Amazing and surprising
And then you feel astounding

I can go on forever
Describing what this is
But I have no idea
Why I’m writing this

I’m writing this to say
I’m writing this to tell
I’m busy night and day
Trying to foretell

I try to think this out
I try to make some sense
What this thing is about
What is it with its presence

Some think I am insane
Some say I am a genius
Like pleasure and like pain,
I might just be delirious

I know I will not stop
I know I do not want to
Any day I might drop
Or decide to continue