NOT FEELING

(I wrote this one this morning... It's about something really silly)

I feel I can’t feel
I can’t feel anything
I feel it’s not real
So is everything

Appalled at what I’m doing
And yet I continue
Scared and terrified
Of reaching a venue

It’s like stabbing someone
To make sure they’re there
It’s like loving no one
When love is in the air

Are they naïve and raw?
I’m I sophisticated?
So none of them saw?
Am I incarcerated?

I feel their stupid sorrow
And it makes me feel alive
What takes place tomorrow
Is no concern of mine

Numb and indifferent
Is how I feel today
I’m scared that persisting
Will wound my soul some day

Revenge is my desire
Vengeance is my goal
To put out the fire
Eating away my soul

I know they never hurt me
I know it’s not their fault
I can’t help but be me
Therefore, they must revolt

Revolt against my ways
Rise up to me and yell
Don’t do us in this way
We hope you burn in hell!!

I’m not an evil person
I just enjoy a good show
They like to entertain me
And then pack and go home

I think I’m in denial
I don’t want to admit
I’m compensating for something
That’s buried in my Id

OH GOD PLEASE IF YOU’RE THERE
Make it all just stop
I can’t do this anymore
Please take down the props

ISIS - The Silly

ROAD

I’ve been walking on this road
Straight ahead, across, abroad
I’ve been walking for so long
But to continue, right or wrong

I’ve been walking on a road
I don’t know where it’s taking me
On my back a heavy load
I never noticed how heavy

I see my goal so far away
A beautiful mirage that just won’t stay
But the truth is I don’t know to go on or stop
Someday, I might find a way…and someday, I might drop.

ISIS

I HOPE...

(I just found these poems I wrote when I was a teenager, I wrote this one when I was 16, depressed, and apparently suicidal as well... but aren't all 16 year olds??)

How much I hope to stay
To live, to love, to graduate
How many will ever mourn for me
One, two, not more than three
Staying here brings pain
Rejection, agony, a dirty stain
My tears are not what they used to be
Precious diamonds are now so cheap
My being, alone, is a gruesome wreath
It needs an end, a premenant rest
How much I want to be within
A ‘redwood box’ with my life, my sin
The only offensive act I’ve done
Is that I’m here, I’m still not gone
Not so many springs have passed
So many taints have shamed my past
My old people don’t understand
That punishment won’t make me stand
The very few that stood by me
Are now exhausted of counseling me
The very few whom I have treasured
Are now ashamed of what I’ve developed
My life is but a memory box
Mixed memories, a paradox
Everything seems wrong to me
And everything I’ve done will be
A mark, a scar, just inside of me
All the things that I’ve lost through out this life
Will never ever come back to me
I made mistakes, so many mistakes
And when I have another chance that I Take
The same mistake
Why do people always judge by the cover
Why does life have to make me suffer
I wish, I hope I can still go on
To say the truth I won’t hold on strong

I’ll let go

I’ll take this one sole chance
To rest, relax, let everyone dance

To everybody I’ve ever met:
I’m sorry, guilty, full of regret
The time is here for me to fly
The time is here to say
Buh-Bye!

ISIS - At Bittersweet Sixteen

SAD

(I wrote this one when I was 15 and suicidal... typical adolescent??)

I am a person
One that’s very sad
I forge my temporary happiness
But inside I am sad as death
I want to breakdown
I want to so bad
But whenever I try to
Something holds me back
Is death an answer?
Or is it only momentary
Maybe the second I die
I discover it’s not satisfactory
I want to hurt myself
To see if it will hurt
To see if I matter
Will I ever be heard?
I am misunderstood
And maybe even despised
By the people I love most
What if I died?
How many will feel a difference
How many will grief
I think maybe a couple
But never more than three
I am a very sad person
It violates my rights
I show off my pride
No one knows how sad
How broken my heart is
No one knows how mad
At life this girl is
This happy laughing girl
Who makes people smile
Who has a lot of pain
Over her sad little life
This girl is very deep
Deepest than hell’s darkest holes
She’s filled with heartache
And mind-ache and woe
She feels her soul declining
Way down to her ankles
She feels her only love
To her music and her canvas
She wants to let it out
Let the whole world know
That this little girl
Is not the one they know
The one she really is
Is bitter, hard, and bold
Lonely, sad, and cruel
And, fast, she’s getting old
Her heart is getting weak
Her soul is wearing out
Her mind has too much on it
She just wants to break down
And break down she wants
To rest her little brain
To rest her little heart
She can’t be alone
Without crying tears
Even in bathroom stalls
She sheds salty seas
She finds it hard to love
It's hard for her to emote
Her puny little heart
Will not let her grow
She wants to go back
Way back in time
When she was a baby girl
And all it takes is a smile
To capture hearts and hearts
Of those within a mile
But now she has to lie
She can’t show them her true self
She has to fake and falsify
Play games, and play around
But she can never say why

ISIS - The Adolescent

MOMENTS OF TRUTH

When you see the real thing
When you realize you were wrong
When you figure everything out
When you know you’ll be gone
When the light comes on
Then you start to see reality
When you start to see the facts
And come back to sobriety
When you think of what you’ve done
And you realize it was your fault
When you wake up in the morning
And in your head there’s something wrong
And it tells you not to do it
Or it tells you to go for it
When a friend tells a story
And you're not supposed to know it
When this friend has fucked your spouse
On your bed, floor, and house
When your Mom says you’ve grown
You’ve grown to make her proud
She then starts to thank you
She finally knows what you’re about
You think about your day
Before you sleep at night
You think about your year
You think about your life
When you realize that you love
Or when you realize that you hate
When you come out of the closet
When you get your feelings straight
When you get what was wrong
What you did to deserve all this
What the real mistake was
That would give you lots of bliss

ISIS

I DON'T KNOW

I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know why I’m doing it
It feels good while doing
And feels weird after doing it.

I don’t know where it will take me
Or where it might leave me
Or what it would do
If something happens to me

I don’t want to name it
Or put on it a label
I tell my friends its normal,
I tell my friends its stable

But it is really crazy
And sometimes it is hazy
And other times it is painful
And at times it gets lazy

But any which way it is
I know I can’t resist
Like that and/or like this
It always will persist
I don’t know what this is

I know one thing or two
I always will be true
To whatever the hell I do
And to that which is due
I did, I will, I do

This really is amazing
And I don’t know its nature
I don’t know what I’m doing
I love a single feature

I know there could be trouble
And there could be a mess
But this one I won’t shuffle
Cuz right now, more is less

Few will understand
Few will appreciate
Why I took this stand
Or how much this is great.

I don’t know what this is
I don’t know where its going
I have no idea
The direction of its flowing

I don’t know what to say
And sometimes how to act
I don’t know which way
What’s fake and what is fact

I feel I am confused
I feel I’m realizing
And now I feel bemused
And then I feel like rising

What a wonderful feeling
When you feel like something staggering
Amazing and surprising
And then you feel astounding

I can go on forever
Describing what this is
But I have no idea
Why I’m writing this

I’m writing this to say
I’m writing this to tell
I’m busy night and day
Trying to foretell

I try to think this out
I try to make some sense
What this thing is about
What is it with its presence

Some think I am insane
Some say I am a genius
Like pleasure and like pain,
I might just be delirious

I know I will not stop
I know I do not want to
Any day I might drop
Or decide to continue